My smile is My rifle
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Sometimes i wish i could scream the words inside my head. because its hard to keep on living with them. I know i said that i was tired of begging for the things that i want. But the fact is, that i can’t even beg. I will not even bow, i refuse. I keep on hoping that subtle hints are enough. But the fact is, nobody knows me well enough to get those hints. But am i that bad? its hard. When you are a afraid just like me to speak or ask what you want, just because you don’t wanna selfish. But it’s so hard to live like this in a world where almost everyone is just that. And why do i keep on getting upset when people don’t act like me, or like i want them to? I should say how i want them to react. But instead i keep on making this scene in my head, where if i would tell people that they don’t have a free will anymore. why not? because i tangle feelings in them
I should stop writing because i’m not making any sense 

I want to write so many things, but i’m getting angry.
So it’s bet to shut up. because writing when you’re angry makes dirty posts.


So i’m sitting outside watching the boyfriend washing his car. (i know how egocentric of me to not help him). And i really have a great feeling, the sun is shining people are riding their bikes (and driving their cars-_-). I’m listening to this new band i just discovered called real friends. And i’m “enjoying” my day. But (yes there is always a but!). i caught my head how close he and his bromance are. It makes me wonder why i don’t have such a close relationship with any of my friends. And i keep thinking and enjoying the sun. And suddenly it hits my mind. I don’t need people, it may come as a shock  but i’m not a big ‘people person”. People and their so called friendship they have always let me down. And i’m shure i let some down to along the way. Is it a mistake that i have lost my faith in needing friends and people to help me? Iv’e learned the hard way that they lie, cheat and betray they can’t keep things to themselves. So how can i want something like those two have.  When the bromance can’t even show some respect for me. But the sun always make me think of strange things. I love to lay in the grass and watch the clouds go by, thinking of the most normal things in life. But to close this post i’d love to quote the song i’m now listening to because it’s such a cliche, and suiting for this post.
In the words of Ben.E;King “so darling, darling won’t you stand, stand by me”. 

Moet het echt kapot?

Soms lig ik naar boven te staren,
dan beeld ik mij de sterren in.
durf ik me soms af te vragen.
waar was nu eindelijk het begin?
De wereld lijkt soms door te draaien,
Niemand geeft maar een gil.
De regering wil ons paaien, 
daardoor lijkt ze mij zo kil.
De wereld die gaat nergens heen,
enkel de mensen erop.
Straks dan is er geen,
moet ze echt kapot?
Wat vernietigen we hierna,
mars, venus  of de maan?
We zijn er toch bijna,
alles moet naar de vaan!
We moeten naar ons eigen kijken,
alleen zo kunnen we er iets aan doen.
Stoppen alles te vergelijken,
zo geven we deze aarde alsnog zijn roem.

In my past i have met some strange people. I remember this Chinese dude. No idea where he is from or where we have met. But i do know that we shared some crazy moments. I remember calling him my spacebuddy. I wonder how he is now. If he’s still tangled up in that same old job he hated? We told some pretty deep things. And i really have no idea how this came to my mind again; I guess its because i saw a similar looking Asian dude when i went out the other week. But since it popped in my head i might as well just write down.
As always….

  • <p dir=ltr>

    In my past i have met some strange people. I rember this Chinese dude. No idea where he is from or where we have met. But i do know that we shared some crazy moments. I rember calling him my spacebuddy. I wonder how he is now. If he's still sta geld up in that same old job he hated? </p>


I have no idea what i should call this day. it opened a lot of old wounds. Sometime’s i really feel like i’m having an drama TV-show on MTV life.
it’s amazing how much i have changed since September and because i still haven’t figured out how to make sure not everybody’s reading this i’m not putting who what and why. I have had a turbulent life and it wasn’t easy at all.But i have met a ton of people who have ha a tougher life. but things have had come to my ears and those made me so upset! 

new year

yeah, it’s a new year bitches!
I will not be giving up my compliments, or wishes because i hate doing things that i don’t mean. so that’s that.
all this hypocrisy is getting on my nerves and everybody call’s me fake? 
Good job folks!